A Time to Remain Silent and a Time to Speak

Sometimes we men need to simply shut up. Especially male politicians. We need to recognize that there are topics on which we are not qualified to speak. Instead we need to remain silent and let those speak who are qualified. For those who have not followed the news recently, yet another male politician, Richard Mourdock—a Republican senatorial candidate in Indiana, opened his mouth and stuck his foot way down his throat earlier this week when he said:

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God, and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen." (emphasis mine)

I hope those words leave you feeling as sick and angry as they do me. Unfortunately Mr. Mourdock is not the first politician to make such asinine statements. Remember Missouri candidate Todd Akin earlier this year? Remember the comments about “legitimate rape”? As if these comments by politicians were not bad enough Mark Galli, writing for Christianity Today affirmed Mr. Mourdock's statement. He wrote:

"It almost goes without saying that for Christians, while rape is a terrible thing, in the providence of God, this too can be redeemed, a tragic event from which love can emerge. And yet we live in a society in which many find this view intolerable, outside the bounds — anathema. This is a delicate conversation we're a part of in America, one that requires us to eschew the cheap advice or platitudes of Job's counselors, to be sure. Then again, it may be even more "disrespectful to the survivors of rape" to fail to tell them about the wondrous redeeming power of God, even in the most horrible circumstances." (emphasis mine)

I wasn't going to comment on this, because many excellent bloggers have already spoken strongly and clearly about these comments, among others: Danielle at From Two to One, Dianna Anderson, and this article by Lynn Beisner which explores the theology behind statements such as Mr. Mourdock's. But after reflecting on this issue I realized that we do need men to speak out as well, not to proclaim our great wisdom on matters such as rape, but to denounce such statements alongside our sisters. We men need to also be saying that views such as those espoused by Mr. Akin and Mr. Mourdock have no place in our civil discourse. They certainly have no place among those who will pass the laws which govern our society. These men are entitled to hold whatever opinion they want, but they need to learn to keep silent about them rather than speaking and exposing their foolishness. I am reminded of the oft-quoted phrase: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Men, we cannot just see this as a “women's issue” and allow other men to devalue the trauma faced by women (and men) who have been raped.

In fact I need to modify my earlier statement. We men do need to be silent if we are inclined to speak about rape as if we really know anything about it. But we should not be silent in that we must acknowledge our complicity in a culture that devalues women and exalts men in such a way that rape becomes seen as a women's issue. It's not a women's issue in that most rape is perpetrated by men. So it's a men's issue as well. We don't have anything to say to survivors and victims of rape, other than to come alongside them, listen to them and offer our support in whatever way they need it. But we need to speak honestly and openly about the patriarchal culture which we support and benefit from that objectifies, sexualizes and demeans women, such that rape becomes legitimized in some perverse fashion. I am not saying that most of us men are rapists. But we tacitly and often actively perpetuate a culture in which the women around us live in fear. We go so far as to place the blame on them for the actions of men, telling them that if they only dressed more modestly and behaved differently—if only they would not “tempt” men so much, they wouldn't likely become victims. We need to stop teaching such crap to our sons. We need to stop perpetuating these lies through the media. We need to stop believing them ourselves. We need to accept responsibility for our own actions and then we need to consciously choose to act differently toward women. When we stop seeing women as different than us, as weaker than us, as needing our protection; when we stop relegating women to second (or lower) class status, then we can begin to transform society and, more specifically, the mentality that supports the culture of rape. We must let go of our power and privilege—rape after all is another means by which we men exert power over women (and other men at times)--and embrace women as fully equally partners in society. These are the things we need to be talking about. But we should remain silent on how victims of rape should behave and how they should view their situation. 


For those who call themselves by the name of Christ, we need to do all this even more so within the church. Unfortunately in many churches that status of women is lower than in society as a whole. Yes, we affirm that we treasure and value “our” women, and in a very real way we do. But we often do so by relegating them to a certain sphere of life, asserting that as long as they remain within their God-given roles they will be less likely to encounter the evils that befall women such as rape. We often implicitly accept the idea that good women won't find themselves in such situations, so therefore those who do must obviously have been doing something wrong (i.e. immoral) and therefore in some sense “got what they deserved.” There is no place for such language or thinking within the church. The church needs to affirm the full worth and dignity of women and speak out against evil in all forms, including the evil of rape. We need to stop condemning those who are victims of it, along with any condemnation of their choices afterwards. The church should be a place of healing and restoration and we men need to do our part to make it so. Again this includes releasing our hold on power and privilege and inviting our sisters to participate fully in all aspects of life.

Finally, we men need to vote in such a way that men such as Mr. Mourdock and Mr. Akin will not be in positions to write laws on issues such as rape. These men have no business influencing such laws and as voters, we need to use our vote to make sure they don't. In this small way we can also stand alongside our sisters against the evil of rape. It's time we men learned when to speak and when to remain silent.

A Unique Description of Male Privilege

Travel and business meetings don't allow the time I'd like to have for writing, so today I want to draw your attention to this blog post that caught my eye. It presents a unique perspective on male privilege, using language and imagery that may be more palatable to those who benefit from this. 


As I read it I thought that this image doesn't really allow for the possibility of the "player" voluntarily giving up his benefits and credits to those who have not had the advantage he does. But while that may be a possibility, unfortunately the reality seems to be that few players will choose to do so even when the opportunity exists.


What are your thoughts on this unique description of male privilege?

Strong is Beautiful

I am not normally an advocate of strength. I think our society misconstrues strength as a measure of worth or success, especially when it comes to men. The ideal man is physically strong. He revels in his own strength and seeks to demonstrate it over and against that of others. He proves his manliness by being stronger than others. In addition, although the modern man is allowed a limited amount of emotional display, he shows his emotional strength by not revealing his emotions. Being viewed as emotional is generally not acceptable in male circles. It will get you labeled as effeminate, which is about the worst insult a man can receive.


At the same time, women are supposed to be modest and demure. We are often uncomfortable with displays of strength in women. Somehow it strikes us as unfeminine. Perhaps this is one reason that women's sports struggle for acceptance: the idea of athletically-strong women seems to violate the feminine mystique.

For this reason I like the ad campaign of the WTA (Women's Tennis Association): Strong is beautiful. Of course the campaign aims to promote the activities of the WTA first and foremost and we will grant them this right. But I appreciate that they have chosen to accentuate that strength and beauty need not be mutually exclusive qualities in a woman. The pictures and videos produced for this series emphasize the combination of grace and and athleticism that these female athletes possess. I like the statement made by Caroline Wozniacki, one of the world's top tennis players:

“It takes so many elements to reach the top of such a competitive sport as tennis – strength of character, discipline and willpower. All of these things define who we are as people and as athletes. For me the new campaign captures the inner strength of players in a beautiful way.”





By contrast, I would not find a similar campaign on behalf of male athletes nearly so appealing. In fact  I think it would be unnecessary. We don't need to be told that “strong is handsome” because we already believe it. I think a comparable campaign for men would have to emphasize precisely the opposite. Society needs to hear the message for men that “humble is handsome” or something like that. But meekness doesn't really sell well for men in our society, does it?


Jesus' Kingdom is counter-cultural. In Matthew 5 he tells us that the meek are the ones who are blessed. But even within the church we more often celebrate strength in men and meekness in women. Are only women meant to be meek? Are only men able to show strength? Or should we not all display meekness, while also embracing the strengths that God has given us? Too often I have seen and heard the church celebrating only those women who project an appropriately feminine image of meekness and submission. We ask them to mute their beauty and stifle their strength because, we argue, this is more appropriate and spiritual for women. But is it? Does God's Kingdom have room for strong women? Does it have room for a woman to embrace the beauty God has given her – in whatever area that may be? I don't want us to fetishize beauty as our world has, but I think we send the wrong message as well by making beauty and strength into something shameful.


Conversely, I would like to see the Church celebrate true humility and meekness in men. I'd like to think that a man wouldn't have to be traditionally “manly” in order to find his place in the church. Each of us is unique and I believe that we should celebrate and promote that uniqueness in our churches. Rather than prescribing behaviour for men and women based on culturally-defined gender roles, let's give each person the freedom and opportunity to embrace and become the person that God made her or him to be. For some that may look a lot like the traditional image, but for others it may mean being a strong woman or a quiet man. The goal isn't to be what someone else thinks we should be, but to become the person God created us to be. Let's create an environment where that can happen in our churches, which includes admitting that for women, strong can be beautiful.

Enjoying Women's Sports

A few weeks ago I shared the not-so-shocking revelation that the Unguy enjoys watching sports. Now I must make another confession: I actually enjoy watching women's sports. In fact, I often prefer women's sports to men's. I am an avid fan of women's soccer and faithfully follow the US Women's National Team. I also really enjoy women's professional tennis, much more so than men's tennis, which I hardly watch at all.

When I talk with others about my interest in women's sports, I generally receive one (or both) of two responses. Many people cannot imagine that women's sports can be very interesting or that women could play well. Therefore they are either unaware of the existence of women's sports or they have no interest in them. Alternatively, some people find it very strange for a man to have interest in an activity pursued by women. Let me consider both of these responses more closely.

The first response demonstrates an inherent and unacceptable bias regarding women's athletic ability. It assumes that women are physically less talented, strong or proficient than men and therefore in any sport in which both men and women compete, the women's branch must naturally be less interesting to watch. This bias affects the whole world of women's sports. Because of it, fewer people watch women's sports events. Because few people watch, it is harder to attract sponsors and advertisers, so fewer women's events are broadcast, thereby keeping awareness of women's sports low. Because awareness remains low, people do not see what women are capable of, so they retain their bias. It's a self-propagating cycle. In addition, many young women may remain unaware of the potential they have as female athletes. As Missrepresentation.org seeks to demonstrate in multiple areas, young women cannot be what they cannot see. If they do not see professional women athletes, they may be less inclined to pursue athletics themselves. Thankfully many young women overcome this, at least at the entry and junior levels of sports, but lacking viable professional venues for their activities, only the most devoted will continue to engage in athletics as they get older.

As an example, consider that there is currently no active women's professional football (soccer) league in the United States, although we have the world's number one ranked women's football team. If you haven't seen them play, you really should. Although this team ranks number one, many of their matches still receive no television coverage. Often they are not available even as free streaming broadcasts on the internet. By comparison, men's football, even in the US, gets regular broadcast time on cable and broadcast television and on the internet, most often for a fee. A petition at Change.org was launched to redress this imbalance, but it remains to be seen whether it will have any effect. As another example, tournaments of the WTA (Women's Tennis Association, the body governing women's professional tennis) are often not broadcast except on a pay-per-view website, while men's events are more often featured on cable and broadcast sports channels. The Grand Slam tournaments (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon and the US Open) are exceptions to this, but they are the premier events and are combined men's and women's tournaments.

The second response frustrates me because it demonstrates a lingering gender bias in society. Why should it be strange for a man to enjoy women's athletics, when few if any people find it strange for women to support men's athletics? Why should it be considered abnormal or weird for me to wear a jersey with the name and number of Alex Morgan or Hope Solo (two of the top players on the US Women's NationalSoccer team), while a woman could wear a jersey with Tim Tebow's name and number without anyone thinking twice about it? I find that many people assume that nothing related to women could (or should!) be appealing to men. But I disagree. There is nothing wrong or inappropriate about men being interested in many – even most – things that are traditionally of interest to women. I think the bias against women having interest in traditionally “male” activities has significantly declined, but the bias in the other direction remains quite strong.

I think that men and women should feel free to pursue their interests without regard to traditional gender divisions. Although I am a supporter of mixed-gender teams, I am not arguing that we should eliminate the distinction between men's and women's sports. I am arguing that men should not be made to feel that they are abnormal for supporting women's sports, or other hobbies and interests traditionally considered feminine. I consider this to be part of being an unguy and I will continue my own campaign by actively watching and supporting women's athletics.

Do you consider it unusual or abnormal for men to have interest in women's activities?

Feminism--It's not Just for Women

Tomorrow is International Women's Day, so let me begin by congratulating all the women I know on this, the one day of the year when we recognize and affirm you for being who you are. Let me also apologize for our failure to recognize and affirm you as women the remainder of the year. As I wrote on this day three years ago, some men might dream of a world without women. They might see this as a virtual paradise. More accurately, I think most men dream of a world in which women exist only to serve them and satisfy their needs and otherwise remain silent and unseen. In fact, that would describe our current world all too accurately. However, I would not want to live in such a world. A world without women would be a world without so much that enriches and enlivens us as humans and as men. It would be a sad, uninteresting and, unfortunately, probably a rather violent place.

In January I acknowledged myself as a feminist or, more accurately, as an awakening feminist. In acknowledging this I felt somewhat like one who is “coming-out,” because there still exists an enormous amount of shame and teasing for men who support the equality of women. Some see feminism as a curse of modern liberalism, not recognizing the significant effect that denying full equality to half of the human race has on our society and our world. Many think that feminism is only for and about women—men have no role to play here. As I wrote in February, I recognize more and more that my first role as a male feminist is to listen and learn and then to support and encourage the voices of the women who are speaking out. But feminism is not just for women. The equality of men and women is an issue for all of us and men not only have a role in advocating the equality of women, they also stand to benefit from it. This articleby Soraya Chemaly offers a good explanation of the need for male feminists—not because women are powerless without us men, but because we men hold the positions of privilege and power and are in the position to help bring about the needed changes in our society. Feminism is not just about women. It's about all of us, because we all are created equally in the image of God and we will all benefit the more we acknowledge and affirm that in practice.