Today we have the privilege of hearing from a new friend of mine: Micky De Witt. I want to learn to listen more to the stories of others, to begin to see the world through eyes that are different from mine. I asked Micky to share her experience and struggle with shame, something that many of us struggle with. Micky and I both welcome your comments in response to what she shares, and you can follow her blog at: www.mickydewitt.com Thanks so much for sharing with us Micky!
The topic of shame is new to me, but
the feeling of shame is something that has been with me for as long
as I can remember. I just didn’t know the feeling had a name.
It happens every time I leave the house
wearing a dress. It happens every time I am spoken to by a man other
than my husband or father. It happens when I attempt to speak at
church. It happens when I write and post about a controversial topic
on my blog. It’s this feeling that asks the question, “Who do you
think you are?” It reminds me that I am just a woman, uneducated,
and that my mere existence can cause grown men to stumble. It tells
me that wearing pretty clothes is prideful. It whispers to me that my
gender has already settled the score. I will always come in second.
It hushes any desire to lead because I haven’t read enough books. I
lack experience, and who would want to follow me anyway?
That is shame.
Realizing this took some time. I used
to just think of it as humility, submission, and simply who I was. It
wasn’t until I was allowed to cross over those lines that I
realized that shame was what was holding me back. Self-doubt and fear
were long-time friends of mine and I still hang out with them from
time to time. Sometimes, learning to say goodbye can be a process.
Coming to this realization is still
very new. When you have walked one way for so long, it takes time to
examine the new road and even longer to walk comfortably. I am in
transition. For me personally, the beliefs I held that contributed to
my shame were also the beliefs of others around me. This complicates
things. It’s not my job to change people, and the last time I
checked, people (including myself) don’t respond well to forceful
opinions.
So what is a girl to do? I am learning
to tread gently. I lean on those who encourage and walk forward with
me. I write about different issues on my blog in hopes to start a
conversation. And more than anything, I try to find my identity in
Jesus. He is not the King of Shame, but the conqueror of it. He tells
us to walk boldly, speak truthfully, and to love with abandon.
The last part is tricky. To abandon
means to leave those thoughts behind… And not just the thoughts
about myself but also the thoughts I have towards others. My battle
with shame should not motivate me to elevate myself, but it should
help me see myself and others as equals. It can be so tempting to
pull out my megaphone and yell to the world that being a woman
doesn’t make me any less… but you know what? It doesn’t make me
any greater either. Not having a college degree doesn’t make me
stupid, but I also see my need for those who are wiser.
I’d like to say that I don’t battle
with shame anymore, but as I said earlier, this is very new still. I
struggle with it daily. I have a hard time with making eye contact. I
have a hard time with initiating conversation. The list of struggles
could go on. But it helps to have a community of people around who
encourage me through my weakness. Without people, I am sure that
Shame would win each and every time.
So I walk. I take each step in fear and
trembling and some days I make strides while on other days I run
backwards. It’s a process. It’s a fight. It requires sweat and
tears, but it worth it. Because through the process, I get to see
more of who I was made to be. As each layer falls to the floor, more
and more of the New Creation is revealed. I wouldn’t give up the
fight for anything.
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