In light of the recent tragedy in
Connecticut we have seen the usual heated discussion about gun
control flare up again. We've also seen some conversation about
mental health issues. We need to talk about both of these topics and
I certainly have my own thoughts on each of them. But we've seen very
little conversation about another key issue: the role of violence in
our society and how we socialize ourselves, especially boys, in such
a way that violence becomes a natural, even expected, expression of
masculinity.
Our culture promotes the idea that
being a man means taking charge, getting what you want, exerting
power and control. We see this in movies and on TV. I was just at the
movie theater and was appalled though not surprised by the
predominance of weapons and violence – largely led by men – in
current and upcoming films. We see it particularly in video games,
where it combines with blatantly misogynistic memes that denigrate
and degrade women. (I'm looking forward to Anita Sarkeesian's video
on this subject.) We tacitly and even explicitly affirm it in the
messages we give to our boys and young men. We condone violence as a
solution to problems and yet are surprised when people act violently
outside of the ways we deem “acceptable.” As tragic as the
killings in Connecticut are, they are only an extreme example of the
fact that American culture has embraced and celebrates violence.
Among nations with similar socio-economic levels, our country has one
of if not the highest level of murder, the majority of which are
carried out by men. Domestic violence plagues our society. Men abuse,
mistreat and denigrate women and yet we all-too-quickly excuse such
immoral behavior saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even worse, we turn
the blame back onto the very victims of this abuse and violence,
saying that they should have done X differently in order to not
stimulate or provoke men. Our concept of masculinity and our devotion
to inaccurate and outdated gender stereotypes contributes to the
culture of violence in which we live.
Masculinity in our society has come to
be defined largely as a rejection of anything deemed “effiminate.”
This includes any expression of empathy, gentleness and compassion.
We teach boys that physical weakness correlates to moral weakness and
inferiority. Boys understand from an early age that the most
physically attractive and strong boys are the most respected. Our
sports culture reaffirms this not only during school years but into
adulthood as well. We affirm certain colors, clothing, and behavioral
traits as “feminine,” and we mock and deride any man or boy who
should express a liking for or interest in them, once again
reinforcing gender stereotypes that have no real basis.
We also train boys that they should
expect to be in charge of their world. This has a reasonable side in
so far as it promotes personal responsibility for our choices and
actions. But in our society we go well beyond that and promote the
idea that men are natural leaders while women are naturally passive
followers. Unfortunately we hear this particularly in our churches,
where we affirm the value of women as long as they remain in their
“proper” spheres of activity and influence. But when a young man
finds that he cannot control his environment or those around him, we
express surprise that he lashes out in violence, seeking to destroy
or harm that which he cannot control.
We need to change our whole perception
of what it means to be a real man. We must teach our boys and men
that expressing themselves through violence is not a healthy outlet,
nor does it make them more “manly.” We should encourage them to
embrace the value of empathy, gentleness and compassion. We must stop
thinking of and referring to these qualities as “feminine”
because this gender-labeling only promotes a false understanding of
what manhood is all about, as well as continuing to denigrate
anything associated with women as inferior. Caring for and valuing
others are not qualities that we should expect only in women, nor are
they inferior characteristics..
The apostle Paul writing to the
Colossian church said:
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly
loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,
gentleness and patience.
He didn't write these words just to the
women in the community. He wrote them to everyone. Compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience are manly. Well, actually
they are neither manly nor womanly, they are godly characteristics.
Let's move away from the whole idea that certain qualities as
masculine or feminine and affirm those proclaim and uphold the worth
and value of all humans.
We men need to radically rethink what
it means to be a man. We need a new image and understanding of
masculinity that doesn't promote exerting power and control over
others, that doesn't denigrate compassion, kindness and humility,
that doesn't glorify violence as the solution to problems. Our
current limited view of masculinity fails to prepare men to treat
others with respect and dignity. It robs us of our own worth and
dignity as well by dictating that real men have to act in certain,
stereotyped ways in order to not be perceived as “effiminate” as
if that in and of itself were somehow bad.
Men, we need to have this conversation.
Our response to a tragedy such as the one at Sandy Hook should not be
limited just to questions of gun control or even mental health
issues. Let's use this as an impetus to redefine manhood, letting go
of power, control and violence and embracing humility, compassion and
gentleness. Let's stop robbing ourselves of half (or more) of our
humanity. Let's teach ourselves and our sons that there is a
different, better way to live.
Women, you also have a key role in redefining masculinity. As mothers, wives, sisters, friends and in every other way in which you interact with men, you either affirm and perpetuate the dominant truncated view of masculinity, or you support those who strive to redefine it in healthier, more wholistic ways -- the unguys we might call them. We need you to tell men that manliness does not lie in physical strength, in control and dominance, in the suppression of all emotions other than anger. Many of you are doing this and I appreciate that. But too often the message of false masculinity is proclaimed and upheld not only by the men of our culture, but by the women as well. We must work together to change this.
I recommend this thought-provoking article as well as this one by Soraya Chemaly for further reflection on this topic. She
also gives many links to other articles for further exploration of
this important subject.
